Monday, February 8, 2010 by angel.

I was watching television with my mom a while back, when this Geico commercial aired. “Oh Golly,” my mom said, visibly distressed and protectively crossing her arms in front of her chest, a move she usually reserves for a kissing scene or any reference to homosexuality.

Having observed neither of the above-mentioned offenses, I was confused. Could my mother be upset at Geico’s diminishing the racism experienced by millions every day? Could my mother be broadening her viewpoints, empathizing with others? What would be next - would she let my gay cousin visit her house? Almost excited, I asked, “What’s bothering you?”

“Oh, nothing,” my mom said with a huff. In my peripheral vision, I noticed my brother waving his arms. I glanced his way while prodding my mother for more information, understanding his silent don’t-ask gestures a bit too late. “Well,” my mom began, and my brother dropped his head into his hands.

“I don’t believe in cave men,” my mom spat.

“Oh,” my disappointment was evident. I looked to my brother. His hands were in a prayer-like fold. Please, let it go, he was urging.

I did.

For like two more commercials. “You know, I saw the coolest documentary the other day.”

“Really? What was it about?” Mom was interested, my brother eyed me suspiciously.

“Dinosaurs,” I replied. My brother sighed, stood, and left the room.

“You see, collagen-proteins have linked birds to dinosaurs, and scientists are studying those dinosaur-like traits that birds still carry in their DNA. One scientist has been able to isolate certain proteins in embryonic chickens so that they develop dinosaur-like tails. Pretty neat, huh?”

My mother looked at me, flabbergasted, for a full three minutes. By her blinking eyes, I knew she was still conscious.

Suddenly, she raised her arms in the air as though telling traffic to her right and her left to stop. “All I know,” she began triumphantly, “is they thought there would be a whole lot of dust on the moon because it’s sooooooooo old, and there was only a few inches.”

I watched her smile for about 10 seconds before speaking again.

“Dinosaur tails, Mom. Dinosaur tails.”

Posted in Evangelism Evasion!, Science! | Print | 1 Comment »

Tuesday, December 22, 2009 by angel.

One of the best (and most fun) ways to thwart a would-be witness of the Lord Jesus from killing an hour or more of your day is to fake a demon possession.

Now, before you scoff at the idea of faking the possession of your eternal soul by demonic forces, consider the plight of the fundies and the struggles they face on a daily basis. They have regular conversations with a Jewish guy who died thousands of years ago, and he NEVER calls them back. Have you no empathy? No compassion? These people are hanging on by a very thin thread, my friend. And you have an opportunity to imbue their faith with renewed meaning (while conveniently averting yet another if-you-died-today conversation).

Besides, who’s to say you’re not possessed? You did turn your back on the big G-O-D some time ago; so maybe you are being used by Satan. May as well roll with it.

(Deep multi-layered voice) Fulfill your destiny, my child!

Faking your demon possession is actually a lot easier than you might think. The key to its proper implementation is two-fold: subtlety and consistency. We here at TFF have broken down the whole process into a few simple steps - six, actually. It’s our favorite number (especially when written in triplicate). We assume NO responsibility for the outcome of your demon possession, but we’re pretty damn sure you’ll get a great story out of it.

Step One: Make Contact

Generally, this step is up to the missionary-minded fundie. Almost invariably they will strike up a conversation with you about your shirt, the weather, the grocery store line, or some other incidental observation. Depending on how deeply involved you were in soul-winning back in your fundie days, you may be able to spot these Christ converters well before they approach you. If that’s the case for you (as it is for us) then you can really have a lot of fun. Try to seem not to notice them, but listen intently. Memorize as many names or specific details as possible (they’ll be saying them loudly enough - especially the name of their church or pastor). Once you have that info neatly tucked away, go ahead and make eye contact - by chance, of course.

For those of you who were more pew-warmers back in the day, here are three red flags that you’re dealing with a witnessing fundie (or a pyramid schemer):

• Unnaturally consistent grin. This smile has been practiced and plastered day after day and will remain no matter what the interaction. Often, the smile does not actually affect the shape of the eyes, which appear frozen in forced contentment.
• Banter with associates that is much louder than necessary. The fundie will often try to encourage interaction with others by acting overly friendly with his/her cohorts, and speaking so that the entire world is included in the conversation.
• Purposefully attempting to make “coincidental” eye contact with strangers. Keep in mind, these strangers (of whom you are one) are being scouted by the fundie. S/he will try to make eye contact at least 3 times before saying something like, “I couldn’t help but notice [insert some observation about you here].”

At this point, you could shrug off the interaction and exit as quickly as possible OR you could commit - and we mean seriously commit - to faking your own demon possession and continue on to step two.

Step Two: Decide Your Exit Strategy

We cannot stress this enough. If you are going to convincingly pretend to be the embodiment of evil, you MUST have a clear exit strategy. TFF encourages you to make sure you stay in a public place; do NOT let the fundies surround you (unless you’re prepared to fake your exorcism as well - NOT RECOMMENDED); decide how and when you intend to exit right off the bat - stick to your decision; always make sure you have a clear path to the exit.

Step Three: Establish a Rapport

Engage in chit-chat. “Why yes, my sweatshirt is from UCF; how nice of you to notice.” Let the conversation amble along as they steer it toward spirituality. During the initial conversation, you should be attempting to develop a rapport with them. The more subdued and quiet/calm you seem at the onset, the easier it will be to make your demonic alter-ego stand out. Try to take the opportunity to have several exchanges with your would-be-witness BEFORE they mention G-d, Church, Jesus, or anything remotely related to their faith.

Step Four: Encourage Paranoia

This step comes into play when the fundie first starts initiating the topic of the hereafter. Develop a physical twitch of some sort at any mention of spirituality, heaven/hell, the Bible, church, etc. A head jerk, eye twitch, double blink, weird leg shake, a bark - whatever you want, but only use one at first. Be subtle, but be CONSISTENT. If they ask you about the twitch, pretend you didn’t hear them. If they’re persistent, act as though you don’t know what they’re talking about. Your established human persona should not be aware of ANYTHING your demonic alter-ego does.

Step Five: Build Momentum

As the fundie begins talking specifically about G-d, the Holy Spirit, salvation, or Jesus (especially Jesus), exaggerate your twitch and spice it up with a look of pain here or there. Let the tension build and begin adding on to it by muttering things under your breath at inappropriate intervals in an audible growl, “We know who you are,” “Abaddon will crush you,” or whatever comes to mind. Make the tone and personality VERY different from that of your human persona, and try to be creative. Feel free to improvise with some latin profanity or by sprinkling in the names you so cleverly memorized earlier. These little outbursts can coincide with mentions of Christ or G-d for added effect. Play it up to your heart’s content.

Step Six: Execute Your Exit Strategy

Your outbursts and physical contortions should be building to a crescendo at this point. Be sure to let your human persona show up in a fit of tearful, pathetic confusion and apologies (a well placed “Oh no, it’s happening again” can do wonders for heightening the drama). Either run away as the tortured lost soul or throw out a last growling curse as the cross-loathing demonic alter-ego, but whatever you choose to do - get the hell out of there BEFORE they hold you down and start casting the pretend demon out of you. We hear it smarts a bit when your soul is stripped of its Satanic motor, and no one wants that.

Please send us your accounts of evading the evangelists of Christ, and if you do pull off the fake exorcism, see if you can’t get a video - we’d love to post it.

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