Coming Out G-dless

Monday, May 25, 2009 by angel.

a submission to the coming out g-dless project.

my ascent to a humanist perspective has been a slow and painful journey. raised independent fundamentalist baptist (IFB), i very deeply believed in jesus, the virgin birth, heaven, hell, a literal creation, and a literal translation of scripture all of my life. basically, if it was in the king james bible, i soaked it in. i was saved at 4, baptized at 7, led my first convert to christ at 10, and attended bible college at 18.

after bible college, it made sense to me to study scripture from the jewish perspective; so i enrolled in the judaic studies program at UCF. i must confess that a big part of the draw was to learn how to better convert jews. don’t listen to what other evangelicals may tell you, we totally get extra points for the chosen people.

instead of finding a community of people lost and empty in their own self-deceit, everyone seemed dispappointingly normal. what’s more, a lot of them were atheists, and no one seemed to have a problem with that. i had been brought up to believe that “humanists” and “atheists” were under literal demonic influence and part of a vast evil plot by satan to destroy humanity.

imagine my surprise when the exorcisms failed.

i’ll spare you the details of my lengthy discussions with professors, rabbis, pastors, physicists, and my cosmically important friendship with a reformed jew turned atheist over the next few years.

intellectually, the evidence was clear. a fundamentalist view of the world stops working the minute you look beyond the few resources approved by your tiny sect.

emotionally, this was all very hard to accept. i had to take the chance that this was some elaborate scheme of satan’s to deceive me. in the end, it seemed to me that a religion worth believing in should stand up to a little objective scrutiny.

from beginning to end, it took me 5 years to drag myself out of fundamentalism completely, and another 2 years to tell anyone about it. i was 27. when my mother found out she cried, fumed, prayed, and kept my atheism as her shameful secret. i led a double life to save face for her.

the election in November changed that for me. for the first time in a long time, i cared about something. i liked the feeling and decided it shouldn’t stop. i will no longer feel like an outcast because i’m not religious, and i refuse to be quiet about gay rights, stem cell research, evolution, abortion, or anything else i’m passionate about because it may offend someone else’s beliefs.

it seems to me that there was some unspoken rule i had agreed to. that because i don’t have a g-d or imaginary elf associated with my beliefs, they’re somehow less important. that’s simply not true. i do not need a g-d to validate me. i do not need a hell to scare me into being a good person. i handle that all on my own.

i’m g-dless, i’m out, and i’m proud.

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